Alright doll faces, this won’t be as light hearted as my other posts. But I’m ready to just get this out there, address it & move the fuck on. A lot of you have always asked me about my life before Jelly. Although what I’m about to divulge is only part of it, it seems to be what a lot of you are interested in. I def try to answer you all as best I can. I always feel like what’s understood doesn’t need to be explained. But for some of these people who follow my journey, they like to try to feel like they’re “exposing” me or pulling skeletons out of my closet- which couldn’t be more delusional on their part.
I also want to take a second to explain to all of you that I don’t consider you guys fans. I think of you guys like my extended inter-webular family – I truly feel we’re all equal. Don’t take a picture of me- take a picture with me. I’m not better than anyone, & truly believe that we are all on this journey together. Helping each other & leaning on each other. You guys are all so fucking rad.. it’s so humbling you have no idea.
Now to the good stuff. In my last blog I touched base on how I left home at 14 years old. I slept at friend’s houses (thank god for each & everyone of you), stayed with my then boyfriend who has since passed away (RIP Tony!), & wandered the streets of the Las Vegas strip some nights with no place to go. But it was all by choice. My parents wanted me home but I was a lil’ runaway. I was 14 & no one could tell me a fucking thing. I didn’t have a terrible home life, I was raised in a Christian church. Surprise! Went to private school & grew up in a middle class neighborhood. I hated my stepmom & I was rebellious as shit. Rebel without a cause for real doe. So that’s why I left & never looked back.
Fast forward to 17, I had my own apartment. I waitressed at Shoneys & Carrows on the strip & was a lifeguard at Wet N Wild for 2 years. So getting my first apartment on my own at 17 was a huge deal! As soon as I turned 18 I started working in the real estate industry. I was an escrow assistant, a loan processor then senior loan processor. I always had a moral compass instilled in me as a child & was determined to walk the straight & narrow.
That is until I hit 21, all my girlfriends were stripping & making a shitload of money. One of my bestfriends went w me to pick up a paycheck of mine after 2 weeks of working my ass off & when she saw it she laughed. She’s like “I make this is one hour at work.” I still didn’t care I didn’t want to dance. Well, that all changed when my then bf of 4 years was caught cheating on me with guess what? A dancer. I mean he cheated on me with everything that fucking had a hole but this particular time it was a dancer. Not to mention both his brothers were dating dancers, one of the girls (Veronica) actually ended up being one of my bestfriends). They were all so beautiful, drove New whips, always had new Clothes on, hair & make up always done. They were what you saw in rap videos. Now remember this is back in the early 2000’s when strippers actually were beautiful & there was a certain criteria you had to fit to be a dancer. Now everyone & their grandma can shake their titties at strip clubs. Believe me I’ve seen grandma & granddaughters working together in Vegas. It’s some weird yet fascinating shit
So, I called up my girl Veronica & was like “Bitch let’s do this!” That night we went to Cheetahs. If you’ve ever seen the movie Showgirls, then you kno all about Cheetahs. Back then it was thee spot to be. Now it’s where back alley hoes go to die I’m pretty sure.
They hired me on the spot & told me to get dressed out & hit the floor. Talk about fucking nerves. I had gas all night- my stomach was killing me. I walk out on the floor & what the hell do you think happens? The weirdest of the weird sniffed me out. I believe the men could smell the fear & anxiety wafting off of me… or er… the gas.
A guy comes up to me & says “Here, here’s $500 follow me in VIP.” Wtf $500 already & I just walked out here?? Ok let’s go! We get into VIP & the guy lays on the ground & asks me to stomp on his balls. In my heels. I was so innocent I couldn’t even fathom doing that to someone. I ran out of VIP & into Veronica’s arms. Literally all she could do was laugh, but she’s like,”You aren’t going to do it?” I said, “Hell no!” Handed her the money & she walked right in & gave him exactly what he wanted. A swift kick to the ol’ jumbly wumblys. I ran to the dressing room, got dressed & hightailed it the fuck out of there. That’s it Im never dancing again.
So the weeks past by as I sat behind my desk job & I literally concocted a plan. I’ll work a regular job while I dance at night. Yes! That’s exactly what I’ll do. That won’t make such a bad human right? I was justifying my moral compass. But I finally talked myself into it.
For 12 years I worked at every club in Vegas you could think of. I’ve made more money than most people see in a lifetime. I developed a few habits i (xanax & cocaine) That I later conquered by myself (I’ll talk about those days in later posts) but always treated work like business. Work first, party later. I def partied a lot but managed to work the first 3 years at night & keep a day job during the day. But when you start making the amounts of money I made .. it’s hard to even rationalize sitting behind a desk for an hourly rate.
So once I quit my day job, I always made sure to put myself thru school for something. That way I didn’t feel like I was “just a dancer.” I put myself thru beauty school, started to get my pre- req’s to be an orthodontist, went to interior design school & a few other things along the way.
I would stop dancing & take breaks & do web cam for a year or two off & on. Which I think is where people get that mixed up with me doing porn. I’ve never done porn, I have a lot of girlfriends in the industry & love watching it, but never dove into that pool. I was successful as shit at webcam too. I still to this day have a lot of followers from when I did cam.
Needless to say the past 12 years have been filled with so many ups & downs. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. Like i said before- I never knew a soul could be sold so many different times. But all in all it’s been a fucking great ride. Being in the adult entertainment business was never what I planned on doing, but I did it & I did it fucking great. I embraced my sexuality & used it as a weapon against men to my benefit. But I never hid what I did from anyone- my own Father even knos what I’ve done for a living. Everyone in Vegas knos too, so the only people who don’t are the ones who are trying to piece me together. I will never apologize for what I’ve ever had to do to survive. I thank God for making me the woman I am today. I’ve been called a whore, a prostitute, trash but one thing they can never call me is broke. I’ve never been one to care about what anyone thinks or says. I’ll always be me regardless.
There are people who chose the straight & narrow & are miserable, judgemental cunts. All for the sake of having “integrity” or morals. I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for what I’m not. I believe that deep down inside the women that judge me wish they could be as free as I am, and real as I am. It bothers them to see so many people especially women connect with me & embrace me. I have a huge female interweb family & totally dig it! It’s these women who preach at you all the while their lives are falling apart behind the scenes.
In closing, instead of believing bullshit you read on the internet, instead of pointing fingers & watching people’s journey to judge, opening your mouth to spew negativity about another human… stop deflecting. Why you so mad Sis? Work on your own soul. Morals are a personal decision or choice. Not everyone’s morals are in the same bracket & what some people think is wrong- other people are ok with. It’s all personal discrepancy.
Don’t worry about me tho, I’ll just be over here living my best life unapologetically with both middle fingers in the air. My past is my past, I don’t live there anymore. I’ll never conform to what society thinks I should be. My past also doesn’t define me. I’m a damn good wife, mother & friend. Just sit back & enjoy the show. I’ve smashed the rear view & never looked back
I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Oscar Wilde..
“You will always be fond of me. I represent to you the sins you never had the courage to commit.” xB.