Fuck Anxiety

I remember the first time I had a panic attack. I was 20 years old & my friend Erin & I decided to do ecstasy for the first time while we were driving down the street in Vegas. Two bored ass kids looking for trouble honestly.
I can see myself sitting in my red Honda Civic w her on a side road looking at these god awful big ass pills. They were yellow, round & had what appeared to be big ass brown chunks of something in them.
After looking wide eyed at each other for a minute, we both popped one & continued driving to her friends house. & here we gooooooo! (Joker Voice)
An hour had passed by & the house we were in was covered in these creepy fucking dolls. The mom was obsessed with dolls or some shit. So literally every size doll, life size to play size doll were stacked on a couch & one corner of the room. Watching me …. & judging. The family was also watching The Devil’s Advocate. It was at the very end & when the flames flew up on the tv screen I shit my pants. Not literally. But might as well have. The flames were so vivid & all the eyes of the dolls were glaring back at me.
I ran to the bathroom & immediately started puking. Naturally and making myself. I did that for about 30 mins to the point I was so fucked up I could literally put my entire hand down my throat & had no gag reflex. In any other case in life this would have been hot.. but not at that time. I felt like I was dying.
I someone how got enough strength to wander outside & hit my knees in the middle of street & made a promise w God in front of my friends if he saved me & spared my life – I’d never do another drug again. It was the first & last time I ever tried ecstasy.
We laid in bed for at least 24 hrs .. sick as fuck afterwards, with black circles under our eyes. Come to find out the ecstasy had been laced with heroin.
That was the beginning of my long & winding road with anxiety.
I went straight edge off everything for two solid years. I wouldn’t even take an aspirin. The panic attacks would be so severe I literally lived in hospital emergency rooms. It got to the point where I would go & just sit in the waiting room. Not even check in, just being in the hospital would suffice. It was exhausting living like that & anxiety wasn’t really a huge thing then. Def wasn’t a trending topic. So no one had answers for me & thought I was making it up.
After two years of battling the anxiety on my own & failing.. I finally gave in to one of my doctor’s prescription for Xanax. The first time I took Xanax it was prob like what it feels like to someone who does heroin for the first time. I was hooked! The edge wore off, I was able to make it thru a day w/o thinking about dying or death & when I drank on them I loved waking up to the stories of how wild I was the night before with no memory of what happened. I was back to my fun, wild, free spirit again… or at least that’s what I thought.
6 months in I started upping my dosage little by little. When I would work at night dancing, it helped me to make it through 8 hrs of being in heels, touched by random men & able to sleep when I’d get home at 7 am every day.
It started getting beyond my control about a year & a half after taking my first Xanax. I would take the blue footballs. Those lil’ fuckers are evil. I started realizing my problem when
I had bought 63 of them off of my friend one time & in the course of 3 days took every single one. Sixty fucking three blue footballs in 72 hours! I would pass out in my car, tanning beds, friends houses. I ruined life long friendships because I was so pilled out. I was a certified zombie. Sloppy ass bitch omg.. it makes me cringe just thinking about it. I was so xanied out my parents came to visit one time & they were sitting in my living room watching a movie- I had been out w my one of my ex’s & came home drunk & on Xanax & walked into my house naked. ??‍♀️ Another time I was talking to my little sister in my kitchen (she lived w me at the time) & took out a gallon of milk, poured it onto the floor & started walking through it. There are so many more horror stories I could tell to paint a visual for you guys but I’ll
spare myself & keep some sort of dignity. Lol.
I then graduated from the blue footballs to the bars. And I didn’t swallow them I would chew them. I would wake up craving the taste of Xanax. And the more I tried to resist taking them .. anxiety would meet me there like “Hey bitch! Remember me.”
Well with all things in life, I finally had a come to Jesus moment when I overdosed. I had been out that night partying doing cocaine & popping bars. I made it a point to count how many bars I took that night for some reason- maybe I subconsciously knew I was pushing my limits. Well, 15- yes 15 yellow bars later I was annihilated. My “friend” took me home, let me walk inside my house alone & left.
I remember over dosing. (Sadly this wasn’t my first time over dosing, I had od’d on glass years before) So I recognized what was going on.
I was so disoriented I couldn’t find the toilet in my bathroom to puke so I sat in the bath tub puking yellow all over myself. I would black out- & come to, puke some more, black out. I have no idea how long I did that for. I somehow made it to my bed. By the grace of God one of my other gf’s had come to check on me & found my front door wide open. When she came in my house she found me on my back gurgling in my throw up. She turned me on my side & left. She did save my life so I can’t be too mad that she left- & trust I re-evaluated all of my friendships after this had happened. But I literally woke up almost 3 days later. I jolted awake in the middle of the night. Had no idea where I was, or even what had happened until my eyes fully focused. There were handprints on the walls of yellow puke where I was literally crawling on the walls trying to help myself. The bathroom looked like someone had taken yellow paint & flung it with a paintbrush everywhere. I looked in the mirror & was completely disgusted with myself. The next day I moved myself across town to a side of Vegas where I didn’t kno anyone & had never lived. I had called my mom & told her this is not who I want to be, I never wanted to end up like her & enrolled myself into school. Where I met my Bestfriend Grace who I’ve talked about in other blogs.
I managed to somehow ween myself down on Xanax myself to where I’d only take .25 of a bar & could maintain. I did it on sheer will power & hope.
My anxiety has been a battle that I honestly didn’t realize how long it’s been until writing this blog. I included all of the stories above to show you guys just how hard of a fight that anxiety really is – that it truly is a battle. Some people win & some people don’t. I was almost someone who didn’t.
There are times when I go months at a time without having a panic attack & for those times I’m so grateful. Then if something happens emotionally it’s like my mind shuts down & bam! Back to the hospital visits. I can def control them more now tho. But it’s still the worst feeling going thru one.
Up until about a year ago I made the decision to want to get off any sort of medication. I’ve only ever taken Xanax for my anxiety. I’ve had people tell me to get out on certain other meds & I refuse. I don’t believe in it & I feel the medical industry keeps you sick in order to profit off of you.
I started researching holistic methods & natural methods for anxiety & it def has been trial & error. I’ve found one gelcap of magnesium a day has helped tremendously. My most recent bought with anxiety has somehow morphed into social anxiety.
Best way I can describe it is it feels like a bad acid trip. I feel so detached from reality, can’t speak, severe ocd comes with it- like washing my hands or feet if they touch something, I can’t shake people’s hands, big crowds make me literally want to go and hide in a car. It’s been a fucking thing. The only reason I’ve been able to work thru them is because J has been so sweet. So patient & so understanding of them… I feel anxiety for people who don’t have it is so hard for them to wrap their brains around it. But having a friend or a significant other who just loves you thru it is priceless. They don’t realize how much it truly helps.
So me being on the constant quest for knowledge I’ve taken this past week to really research anxiety & read people’s testimonies etc. My girlfriend Fefe turned me onto the idea and I have discovered CBD’s. When I was in Denver I went to a dispensary & bought a joint that had thc & CBd mixed together & I can honestly say the past three days I’ve been taking two puffs at night & two puffs this am & I feel a world of difference! It’s been helping so much I sadly have succumbed to the douche bag vaping trend. ? I bought a CBd oil vape pen today. And I feel great. Granted this journey is fresh & only a few days in, but I haven’t taken Xanax in two weeks & plan on never taking it again. That chapter in my life has closed, & for anyone who knos me when I’m done with something- it’s a wrap. I’m not going to cram down your throat the benefits of CBD because honestly I’m just now studying them & testing it out on myself. But I believe that if you are at a loss with your anxiety this should def be a route you explore. Do I think it’s a miracle cure? Absolutely not. I believe if you have anxiety the battle will never truly over. But you aren’t alone & you aren’t weak. Chin up, dukes up! We got this! xB.