Dear Gawddddduhhhhhh January has seriously been the longest month ever this year. Like did Father Time forget about us because Mother Nature is sucking him off somewhere. They both seem to be AWOL at this point. The weather is bipolar & time is ticking away slower than a prison sentence.

Anyways, tonite is finally the lunar eclipse. I have been counting the days down for this. I swear people get whacky around these things & emotions spontaneously combust. Since I’m aware of the lunacy that comes with all things astronomical I tread lightly & really try to center myself. The older I get I really am all about peace & spreading love & good vibes. My inner hippy is starting to come out more. Don’t get me wrong tho, piss me off & the brazilian side of me will still come out. I’ll choke you with the same hand I fed you with.

A lot of you don’t know this, but I’m overly superstitious, borderline mystical & super intuitive. Put any person in front of me & I can read them like a book. I’m about 99.9% accurate when it comes to seeing into people’s souls. I have dreams too that give me visions. The ones that make me emotional & that I can feel when I wake up usually end up coming true. They don’t ever happen right away but they def do happen. Which creeps me the fuck out. Jelly will even ask me when I have a dream, “How do you feel?” “Are you emotional?” Haha, it trips him out.

All that was to say that I actually sat down tonite & read a lot of you guys confessions-emails & dm’s that you guys send me. I want you all to know that even tho I can’t reply to them all, I do try to personally see all of them. I read a lot of pain tonite. Granted some of  you guys are sexual pervys lol… & I love it. But then there are a bunch of you who are genuinely hurting & shattered souls. I felt the pain.

I had a girl dm me talking about wanting to kill herself because her relationship was so abusive. I’ve actually received a lot of messages regarding abusive relationships & that hits very close to home for me.I def want you guys to all know that you are way stronger than what you are going thru right now! I know because I was YOU. Before I continue, I want you guys to know first & foremost I am not writing this for any sympathy. I will never allow myself to feel like a victim. I feel like there re people who have been through way worse than I have. I am sharing this because I want to shed light on being able to walk thru hell & smile. This entire blog makes me feel completely vulnerable & anyone that knos me, knos that’s not how I roll. But if I can help another person, that’s all I want to come from this.

2014 I reconnected with an old friend I’d known for about 10 years in Vegas, thru mutual friends. He was charming, he was in shape, & he could have talked his way out of a paper bag. His mouth piece was probably his best asset, because he would sell you a dream but in reality he was selling nightmares. It started off like any relationship in the beginning- the sex was great, he always tried to make me happy & we had fun together. The chemical kind of fun tho- alcohol & molly. BLAHHHHH I shutter even thinking about that shittttt. Ahhhhhh, Around 3 months in we had our first real argument.. I guess if that’s what you could call it. His jealousy started to slip through the cracks a lot now. I wanted to go to a bar that all of our friends were going to & he got pissed because he said I wanted to go with one of his particular friends which was NOT the case. So we went home & argued- If I feel I’m in the right, I will literally go to war ’til I’m heard. The fight escalated and he ran up & punched me right in the ribs. I heard a crack & then couldn’t breathe because the wind was knocked out of me. As I fell to the floor, he kicked me full force in my stomach & told me, “I told you to shut the fuck up.” & walked into another room. I couldn’t believe what just happened. I couldn’t breathe & for sure had a broken rib. (It was broken) I left as soon as I could pick myself up off the floor & didn’t answer his calls for about 3 weeks. This is where his mouthpiece came in, “I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again.” Blablahblah … he weaseled his way back in. Except this time he wanted to make sure I didn’t disappear on him for 3 weeks. After being on good behavior for about 2 months he suggested we move in together in August. I accepted because everything was going good, what could possibly go wrong?

As soon as we moved in together the jealousy, controlling, delusion & arguing started again. We started arguing one night in Sept while he was at the gym, I just turned my phone off & laid in our bed trying to decompress & just not feed into the bs. 45 minutes passed by & I could hear the front door open.. followed by fast footsteps up the stairs & BAM bedroom door thrown open. I couldn’t even get a “Hi” out before he yanked me out of bed by my hair, drug me across the floor & put me in an MMA choke hold & choked me until I passed out. Then SLAP wakes me up just to choke me back to sleep. he repeated this about 6 times before he finally left me on the floor & disappeared for the night. I started to find solace in the times he would disappear.  Somewhere in between slaps & chokes I was screaming so loud that when he choked me he cracked my larynx. I used to sing, not anymore. He silenced this song bird. To this day my voice has never been the same. That probably is the one thing that I haven’t been able to get over thru this entire ordeal. It’s the only thing that still hurts me when I think back to this nightmare.

This is where I can totally understand when girls say they feel like there is no way out. My entire life was in that house & moving out wasn’t an option because It was so expensive to move in that previous month, thinking about doing it all over again just made cry. From that night on I became a shell of a person. I was always very bubbly, outspoken & for the most part a happy woman. Not anymore.. my girlfriends would tell me it was eery because I became so quite & calm around the chaos. Before I was the first to pop off, the first to speak up, & the first to never put up with shit especially from a dude.  I was scared & panicky at all times. A spoon could drop on the floor & I’d jump 10 feet in the air. I’m not a person that believes in depression FOR  MYSELF (other people I understand it’s not a choice) or feeling sorry for myself EVER. So, I started to devise an escape plan all while trying to smile thru the bullshit. I learned to fake it to make it for sure. I taught myself that if you are miserable in the moment it will make life miserable, but if you can find one good thing about that moment, no matter  how minuscule & hold onto it- it will help you mentally get thru a rough time. Instead of wallowing.. survive.

Then Christmas Eve happened. And it literally ripped my soul in half. It was our first Christmas together & I wanted to make the best of it. So I had suggested a nice dinner & then just a chill night at home. We had dinner  & walked out of the casino to get into a cab because we had been drinking. Half way home he told the cab to turn around & take us to Spearmint Rhino. WTF?! I’m not going to a strip club on Christmas Eve. So I def let him kno, I wasn’t down for that. Any other night- fuck yeah but not tonite. We pulled in front of the Rhino & I said “Have fun. How would you like it if we went somewhere on a holiday where I fucked everyone?” WHACK. Right in front of the cab driver he sat on top of me pounding my face with his fists. The cab driver drove us all the way home while he was beating me up & never once tried to stop him. That’s how intimidating of a human this demon was. I couldn’t scream because he had hurt my throat the previous month. So I learned how to take these beatings in silence that night.  My eyes were swollen shut, I couldn’t see out of one of them. But while we were driving, I remember looking up & praying to myself “God help me.” I saw a man in the passenger seat. He was big guy, scary almost & his head was almost to the roof of the mini van cab. He had a very somber look his face, a look of pain & anguish & he wouldn’t look back at me- just kept looking forward with his hands in his lap. I still couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t help me tho. I remember feeling peaceful when I would look at him. Here I am getting my face smashed in & it’s like my mind captured the man in the front seat like a polaroid. I couldn’t even tell you what the cab driver looked like.  After replaying the night over & over & even asking my piece of shit ex who the other man was, I came to realize it was a guardian angel. There was no other man in the taxi with us. He was there to see me through I guess. And bring me peace in a horrific situation. I can still see him, everything about him.

Once we pulled up to the house he drug me out of the taxi by my hair & into the house. For 2 hours he beat me, choked me out & slapped me back to consciousness. I was legit a human punching bag. Finally there was a bang at the door & it was the police. The taxi cab driver had called the police once he dropped us off. Thanks you fucking asshole. He was arrested & taken into custody. He had strangled me so bad he burst every blood vessel in both of my eyes. I didn’t go to the hospital until a week later, because I was scared I was going to lose my eye sight.  The Dr. who examined me told me that what had happened to my eyes was only normal in people who had passed away from strangulation. He def didn’t believe my story about getting jumped lol.. but  I never told on him. For fear he’d kill me at this point. He got out of jail & I didn’t even run. He had stolen my voice. He had stolen my looks. He had broke my spirit. What more could this motherfucker take from me. I had started to believe I deserved all the abuse. Because of all the people I had hurt before with cruel words or hearts I had broken. It took about 7 months for my face to heal. Want to talk about feeling like a monster? I was humbled ultimately. I had to walk thru life with people staring, pointing & talking about me.

The beatings didn’t stop that night either. He slammed my face into dashboards, cracked my jaw, cracked my nose, kicked me in my face like I was dog, broke more ribs than I could count, having black eyes became normal, I was thankful if that’s all I got. I would try to leave- he’d beat me. I would move out, he would find me & kick my doors in. I would try to date other people just to have someone to protect me & he would scare the shit out of them. I moved my best friend Grace in just to make sure I always had someone around me, so he wouldn’t hurt me “as bad”. I’d come home & he would be in my closets, he would have people follow me, He stalked me for years. Bullied me for years. I moved 4 times. He beat me all the way up until he finally got arrested by the Feds & was sentenced to 5 years in prison. Finally, FUCKING FINALLY!! I WAS FREE.

I literally laid in bed the first month he was locked up. I had to heal & the way I wanted to heal was alone & quietly. Instead of seeing the negative in all that had happened, I actually starting seeing the beauty in it. God needed to bring me to my knees, humble me & change me. I was so damn stubborn I didn’t want to hear anything he had to tell me & def wasn’t interested in changing. The path I was on before all that happened was a destructive one. I thought I was invincible & God wanted to show me I wasn’t.

He stripped me of my voice so that I could find a new one, he stripped me of my looks so I could learn that there was more to life than being vain. Most of all he showed me how strong I was. That even tho I could have used the entire situation to feel sorry for myself or to start abusing drugs to numb the memories or to in return inflict pain on other people & become a horrible human myself.. he taught me to be still. Be quiet & listen. Slowly I started coming out of my shell .. slowly my smile came back & slowly I started living again. I struggled with severe PTSD & anxiety attacks that hospitalized me for about a year after. Poor Jelly has had to go to the hospital with me more times than I’m sure he’s ever wanted to. It got to a point where I thought I was losing my mind because my panic attacks would be so paralyzing. I still to this day struggle with it every day. But I never took meds for it & have faced it head on. . Naturally & holistically. You don’t need chemicals to heal. It’s gotten way better, but still not gone. I don’t think I’ll ever be back to normal after all that.

No matter what you are going thru right now.. don’t you fucking give up. Smile in the face of adversity & turn pain into strength. The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow. Take all the time you need to heal, but do it where it’s constructive & makes you a better person. I did it & so can you. You are loved, you are worth it. We are all a mess, but it’s how we keep it together that makes us beautiful. Everything is going to be alright. xB.

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