woke up at 5 am this morning with your laughter echoing in my ears. You ran towards me laughing so hard. I couldn’t see your face but boy, I sure could hear that infectious laugh. I closed my eyes again so I could live in the moment & see you again for a few more seconds. J woke up & I snuggled up to him & told him about the dream. What a great feeling to wake up to. I’m such an asshole friend that I couldn’t remember if you had passed today or tomorrow. I logged into my Facebook to see what day it was & sure as shit it was today. Thanks for reminding me because you know your friend so well.

I’ve only seen you twice since u’ve passed away. When I do see you or feel you it usually sticks with me all day like last time & today is no different. I keep replaying different things we did when we were younger.. it’s like I get to watch a movie reel of us replaying in my mind. I can’t help but smile & blush at the same time.

I had moved to the Northwest side of Vegas after going thru a break up w. The douchebag I referenced in other blogs who cheated on me w anything w a hole. I’ve always been the type to better myself after a break up, so I signed up for Real Estate school. First day I walk in & what do I see & hear? A hot ass brunette with freckles & a southern drawl.. sassy as fuck. The “hair flip” technically hadn’t been mainstream back then but she had a hair flip that would rival Beyonce’s. The teacher had said it was ok to sell a home to a pedophile regardless if there were children on the street & not to inform the neighbors- just make the sale. WTF? NOPE. We instantly teamed up against the teacher. On our break we both exclaimed how much we hated strippers, knowing damn well WE WERE BOTH STRIPPERS just trying to get educated in something other than sex, drugs & rock n roll. I knew then we would be friends.. just didn’t kno how long & how much of an impact you would have on my life.

From that day forward we terrorized Vegas & LA. From 2003-2016. Gah lee lady we were fucking wild. You were always such a free spirit & it was always something I admired about you. Even tho I would get mad at you for your gypsy soul & tell you you needed to grow up at times, I can’t help but smile because you always did what you wanted, when you wanted & how you wanted.

I def did more drugs with you then I did with anyone else in my life. Lol.. you had the tolerance of a gah damn elephant! Remember the time we got G’d out in LA with a bunch of our friends & you had to take care of me because I wouldn’t stop puking? or what about the time we stayed at the Beverly Hilton for two weeks straight & literally partied our asses off, making up a different life story for each person we had met , not to mention racking up a $30,000 bill. We would fly to LA just to go shopping. We had worked the night before one time & decided to hop on a plane still drunk & coked out. Not smoking a cigarette for that two hours was pure torture, but we laughed our asses off & drank more to stay buzzed on that plane ride. What about the time I beat that chick up at Redrock & you & my Dad had to hide me so I wouldn’t get arrested. Smh..lol. My dad loved you by the way. You & Tasha were always his faves. I’ll never forget the last trip we took before you passed to the Bahamas. I’m so thankful I got to be on that trip with you. You were such a diva tho lol.. and demanded we fly home early. But I didn’t care- I was ready to roll too. 10 days in the Bahamas is too fucking long, I don’t care what anyone says. Our every morning breakfast dates, the kickbacks with Manillow, late night bar crawls, our Hottie shopping sprees, hopping in the car & driving to the beach anytime we wanted & secrets we will both take to the grave. I miss all that. I miss you. Terribly.

You never were one to want to commit to anyone .. but Russ & Mike & what’s his name (: def held special places in your heart. You had your own way of showing love. But anyone that truly knew & loved you accepted it & welcomed it with open arms. You were like a cuddly armadillo. Squishy on the inside but a tough exterior. Your love for your sisters tho was stronger than any bond I’ve ever seen with sisters.

We fought- girlllllllll did we fight. Like fkn sisters. We would get so mad at each other we wouldn’t speak for up to a year at times. Both stubborn as shit & neither willing to back down. But no matter how bad an argument was, we always forgave & would literally pick up as if years hadn’t passed us.

I’m eternally thankful the last years of your life were spent with me. I’ll never forget, I asked you to move in with me when I was scared for my life because of my ex & you didn’t even hesitate. You moved in the next day. We would lay in bed & talk for hours.. cry together, we would meal prep & workout together. I loved going to hike the hill every morning with you. We were each other’s therapy. And for once I think I finally saw a glimpse of you wanting to grow up & have a family. We have both been so against being tied down & having families of our own, but I could tell you were ready for something different. Something real & that you could call your own.

I remember the day in August .. you came to me and showed me the lump on your leg. I didn’t want you to freak out so I played it off & just said calmly we’ll get it looked at. You beat me to the punch & went to the Dr. without me. I’ll never forgive that Dr. for what he did. Instead of performing a biopsy he just cut into it. Pulling out black stuff. When you came home & told me what had happened I hit the roof & freaked. Which in return made you freak out.. I get anxiety because I knew right then it was not going to be a good outcome. It seemed like everything went downhill so fast from there.

By Sept you were admitted into the hospital in AZ & I drove up to see you & Margaret. You were the same Grace. Laughing smiling, cracking jokes & doing a fashion show in the hospital room lol.. you always gave a great catwalk. No matter where you were. It was those damn legs! I felt in my heart that you were going to call me one day & tell me the cancer went back into remission. Seeing as how you had beat it once before. During this time I was going thru the nightmare I recently blogged about so I don’t feel like I was there for you the way I should have been. I kick myself everytime I think about it. You had called me in January & we talked for about 3 hours on the phone & I’ll never forget what you said, “Sister, I’m not going to be here much longer.. you need to come see me asap.” I still believed you were going to get better. But about two weeks later in February I was freed of that situation & started calling & texting you non stop to come see you. It was too little too late.

February 25, 2016 .. I was walking out of the MGM & got a text from Margaret. She had told me that you passed away. I remember trying to hold back tears as I walked to valet but I couldn’t. There I sat in valet waiting for my car broken down in tears… shaking… just sick. They don’t prepare you in life for pain like that. Breakups are one thing.. painful still but not like losing a best friend. I drove the whole way home bawling.. I cried for days. I couldn’t even get out of bed. You were gone.

In a weird twist of destiny.. your funeral brought Jelly & I closer & he had no idea. After your funeral I had driven to San Antonio to watch him perform. He didn’t realize how much I needed him then, but he does now. I still refer to you like you’re alive. There is just a part of me that won’t accept the fact that you aren’t here on earth with me. You’ll never kno just how much I do love you & how you are amazing, Grace.